First Time, Worst Time

Me Mam nearly crashed the car.

I were 15 when I first asked. It weren't me idea. It were Lancel's. If it were up to me, I wouldn't've said anything.

But he wanted to be a proper gentleman. He wanted it to be special.

An event, almost.

Hah.

Would the right honourable gentleman - "me sweet Byron" as he always called me - mind if I give him a right good shafting? The old one two, up the rear?

Hmm. Me Lysander riddles rather prettily.

Err... Sorry. Got a little carried away there... That's how it sounded in me head anyway.

In reality, the truth were … well, something far less pretty.

You want the translation?

Fine. You twisted me arm.

The translation... The actual translation...

"Want to shag? Come on, babe, let's shag? Please? Please? Please? Everyone else is doing it? I shag you or we're through? I'll find someone else to shag."

How could I refuse?

It were in his house. In his bedroom, with the door closed and his mam downstairs. She brought us Oreos beforehand and told us to have fun. "Just don't make a mess."

Did she mean crumbs or cum? Genuinely asking here. What does that even mean?

So, I sit in the back of the car, me school tie removed and wrapped 'round me head like the Academy's answer to Rambo, on the way home from school. Then I ask her.

"Mam? Lancel wants to have sex with me. Can I?"

She slams hard on the brakes, almost rear-ending the car in front.

It takes a long moment for her to recover from the shock. She has to pull over at the petrol station.

Then she looks at me. Stares at me.

She doesn't quite know what to say.

I watch her mouth gape. Open. Closed. Open. Closed. Like our old goldfish, Duffy, before she got flushed. I were 8 when she died. The first time.

Since then, we had 10 Duffys. All of them different. Size. Shape. Colour. Breed.

Duffy died more times than Lazarus. Than Ra's Al Ghul. Than me friend's liver during Freshers Week.

Bless Mam. Guess she were attached and couldn't accept that life moved on.

She asked me to repeat the question.

So I do.

Loudly. Slowly. And elaborate.

Anal. Hand. Blow job. And maybe more. Depending on how the mood took us.

I think she got it.

I know she got it.

Smart lady, me Mam. Tough lady too. She were the first one of our family to go to uni; a mature student, all while caring for us two almost single handed. Me and me brother. Me Da were elsewhere. In another country. He were in England. Us in Scotland. And rarely the two doth meet for co-parenting. At least during those uni years. We won’t bore you with the details. It’s a whole thing.

Anyway, when Mam next spoke, she gave me her blessing and told me to use protection. She also asked that I never EVER EVER ask her that again.

Something I oblige. Happily. Very, very happily.

Ah... Young love.

Anyway, the big day arrived. I were nervous. This were the first time I were at his place.

It were also the first time meeting his mam. She were nice. She asked me what I were into. What I planned to do after school. That sort of thing. 

I didn't know what to say. I were distracted. I weren't expecting these questions on the same day as losing me virginity.

I fumble and squirm, tripping over the words, fearing that I were making a terrible first impression. 

It were totally humiliating. And I hated it. I hoped that this were all worth it… that I could at least properly enjoy one of these two milestones. 

I told her psychologist. Yeah... little me wanted to be a psychologist after playing the Arkham games. God, I were so impressionable. And such a nerd.

He took me up to his bedroom, me "Prince Charming".

He leaned in and whispered in his hot Geordie accent, "I'm gonna take you to Plough Town."

Such poetry. It were like T.S. Elliot and Chris Ramsey were in the room.

And then we had sex.

And it were...

Fine.

Not entirely sure what all the fuss were about. Would have much preferred to watch a movie. Or play video games. Or maybe paintball.

The cuddling after were nice. Us lying under the covers. Me head on his chest as he complimented how good he were.

I smile. Me cheeks flushed. Hoping he will offer me the same glowing review. Or else, offer me some constructive criticism.

What we can improve for next time.

He doesn't. Oh well. Let him have this moment.

I'm sure in time he will say something nice to me.

A week later, I were bawling me eyes out as he walked out the school changing room.

He dumped me. After yoga. Said it had been fun, but he weren't ready for something serious and that he met someone new.

But he wished me well.

… Well, ain't that a proper kick in the teeth.

Me Stepmam comforts me. Though tells me she saw it coming. I don't reply. I just swig down an entire can of Red Bull.

It doesn't take. I puke it up an hour later, using half a can of Airwaves just to mask me shame and heartbreak.

People say you don't forget your first time. But to be honest with you, I wish I did.

You want to know the worst thing? I didn't even like Red Bull. It were just there. And … I drank. It were either that or a WKD, but me brother kept those hidden in the airing cupboard, away from Mam. And he hoards each bottle, like fucking Smaug.

So, yeah. That were me first time. Not very glamorous, I know.

Still, at least I lived up to the unofficial school motto: 

A meo amatore fututa sum et nihil nisi hanc vilem ceram accepi.

Guess me D in Latin paid off after all.