The Goat

And then what happened? 

I sent him that message. But I wanted to say more. So much more. 

I say, sitting in Vince's back garden, drinking a Lipton's lemon and glueing the arm of one of their spare Terrarians. It’s a fiddly job. The bastard keeps slipping in me trembling fingers. I bite into a Biscoff biscuit, savouring the taste.

Vince is reading the messages. I see his brow arch. His face twitch. A few head shakes. The hard swallow. 

Oh, go in, ye wee bastard. 

Some have pop-joints. This one's a gluey. Here. 

Vince pushes the instruction booklet over the searing metal table. 

Have you decided which gun you want for him? 

Big one. 

A27. 

Yeah. Were I wrong? What I said? 

I gesture to me phone. He's set it down on the paper plate next to him. 

No. If anything, I don't think you were hard enough. Fucking Rylan and his bullshit "respectability politics". "Let's all just talk". That's all well and good when you are dealing with reasonable people. But when someone isn't going to listen, then talking means jack shit. Especially when talking about human fucking rights. Human rights aren't a fucking debate. When will people get that into their thick skulls? 

I suppose. 

This is why I don't like him. And why I left the group chat. Because it means I don't have to deal with him. Oh yeah, "let's all get along." Meanwhile, here is you pouring your heart out about a topic close to your heart, and what does he want to do? Lighten the mood by sending a video about some bastard goat playing the drums. It were clear that in a chat called The Sensitive Channel, where you talk about issues that are concerning or stressful, particularly something as dire as what you were talking about, you had every right to say what you said without him saying, "Well, I don't want to talk about it, so let's change the subject."

Ugh. It's alright for him. He doesn't have to worry about this. I mean, okay, he has a crisis in confidence where he worries he isn't cis every other week. But he doesn't have to live in a world where he has to prove his femininity to anyone, or else you are called "a man". Or "a fake woman". Or "a predator". Or "a groomer". Or "a nonce". Or "a pervert". Or "part of the Gender Taliban". Which is equal parts transphobic and racist, but people get away with shit like that with impunity, because no one gives a two flying fucks. I were so angry. He genuinely believed that that poor trans woman were in the wrong for not disclosing she were trans. And said it "reflects badly on the community". Like what the actual fuck, Rylan?! "Looks bad on the community!" A woman is being labelled as "a predator". She has to sign the sexual offenders register and be sent to a male prison. She is seen as being "deceptive" and "coercive" and a "liar", and you side with the man who said he wouldn't have gone out with her if he knew she were a "bloody tranny." Fuck right off with that bullshit. "Oh, people just need to talk." "Ooh, some people have things that they don't disclose, but if they chat with a trans person, they might be friends" ... ... ... the guy's friends basically made homophobic and transphobic comments about him meeting a trans woman for sex. And he is even suing her for "damaging his mental health" for "making him question what a 'woman' is". "How dare she ruin what a woman is for him!" Fucking prick! And the papers... the Courts... have the gall to force her to describe herself as "a biological man!" How fucking dare they! For Women Scotland! JK Rowling! The Supreme Court! Keir Starmer! Wes Streeting! I hope every one of them hangs their heads in shame! Because they have ruined the lives of trans people living in this country for too long. And this is scraping the bottom of a barrel that I thought couldn't be scraped any fuckin' more. But "like life: it finds a way." Bunch of cunts. Ugh... … … We have to jump through so many hoops, and it will never be good enough for anyone. You know … if I am ever raped again, there are places, shelters, charities, support and advocacy networks, that won't take me case because I am a "biological man". Even though me GRC, me passport, me fucking birth certificate say otherwise. And if I top meself tomorrow... If I die tomorrow... I would be buried as a man. Evan said they would do that over his dead body... 

Evan is a good egg. 

The best... … … I fucking hate this country.

I eat another biscuit. 

The goat video were what got me. What a prick. I have said as much... I said as much when you and Rylan were together. And I say as much now. I never saw what you saw in him. 

He were different then. 

Were he? 

You know... … … Naye mind. … … ... I made sure to tell him... same with every one of me partners and exes... EVERY ONE... Felt fucking forced to. Now ... ... we are. You know... ... ... I were so fucking nervous about "revealing me status" because I thought it would do me harm. Especially after that one guy on Tinder threatened to kill me slowly with a staple gun if we ever met in public. I were out on Tinder as well, and he matched me to tell me that... … … he said he were going to film it too. And post it to his friends. Anyway... I were so scared for me safety. And yet we are called "deceptive." "Sneaky". "False". Like our safety, our need for dignity, liberty and protection must come AFTER the sensibilities and respectability of fucking cis people. And yet we are seen as the troublemakers. You either want us to "shut up about being trans" or force us to "declare it" like airport baggage. You can't have it both fucking ways. But you can't say any of this to them, because you are called a "TRA". Well, maybe I am a "TRA". But it’s a scary world we live in that not wanting scraps, for fighting for basic dignity and respect and acceptance, for safety and security, is seen as "radical activism". Next thing, I will be called "woke" or a "rape apologist" for siding with the woman who is being labelled as "a rapist", because she is trans and didn't "declare it."

 ... ... ... Rylan said it "would have saved them all this..." I actually wanted to hit him. That's how angry I were. And I am not even a violent person, like... ... ... Rylan talks about how trapped he feels living with his parents. With how he struggles being cis. With all of this stuff... Yet did nothing when his parents destroyed our relationship. He sided with them. Even said he didn't see our relationship as "endgame" because I were trans and his parents wanted him to marry a woman. A "real woman." And we took it like the emotional punching bag I treat myself as... ... ... well treated. No more. Oh, get this... then he told me, his parents were happy when he dumped me for Chad. And they said he were so much better than his "last ex". They would rather him date Chad than me. I like Chad. He's a good 'ne. I would rather date him than Rylan any day of the week... ... ... Looking back, I wish I fucking had dated Chad. Or else confessed to Evan how I felt about him at the time. Though you know... couldn't. Evan were with his girlfriend then. So, that wouldn't have worked... ... ... but you get what I mean, like. You know, Rylan's sibling even told Pria that how Rylan treated me were appalling. That they were angry on me behalf. At their parents. And at him. And yet I am the one who feels guilty about how that relationship ended four years on. And he carries on like the big I am... He said he "didn't need to read this just now". Yeah, right, Rylan, because if it's not about you or your troubles with parents, then it can just wait. Well, that's fine. Glad you aren't affected by it. Some of us don't have that luxury. You keep working overtime to defend the patriarchy. Sorry. 

No, no, let it all out. 

He wants to talk about what is happening in Orlando. About Pulse. Thinks that protesting one day and one day only will change things. Guess what, he can move on with his life as if nothing happens. He doesn't have to live with this dread. And yet... he sends me all these lofty platitudes of me being "strong" and "able to overcome this". I shouldn't have to be fucking strong. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't choose to be trans. All I did were accept that something were wrong and worked to change it. That .... that ain't brave. It ain't ground-breaking. It’s doing what everyone else does on a daily basis... I deal with misogyny. Catcalling. Rape threats. Sexual harassment. Sexual violence. And that is before I factor in the trans element. No one should be subjected to that. And he sides with the man in all this court case business. Hmm... he told me to "there there." It's hard to "there there" on this subject. And funnily enough I take allegations of rape seriously, because... ... ... well, I didn't need to be raped twice to learn when and how to have and share empathy for the horror of violation... ... ... But to suggest that someone being their authentic self is "a rapist" and "perversion" ... Fuck you! ... Me rapists were men! Both men. One were a gay man... they are out there, somewhere. Free. And I am left to pick up the pieces.

Yet I need to "there there". Rather than tackle the problem, the law hurts women. And he, the so-called "ally" for trans people, shows his true colours. Great. You have friends who are trans. You dated someone trans. You aren't cis yourself. But that doesn't make you an ally. Because you, in a clear situation of transphobia and misogyny, labelled the trans person as the problem. As the source of the issue. Not that... ... ... we don't OWE you our "status." We don't OWE you the news we are trans. Fuck that. We are people first. Not some fucking commodity. And rather than listen to us, as he suggested others do, he sends a video about a fucking goat. 

Better? 

No... and yet... These biscuits are nice. 

I know. Thought you would like them. You looked like a girl who needed a pick-me-up. 

Am I really that obvious? 

Oh, completely. 

Ha. I finished me Terrarion. 

Good. Let it dry. 

So... you wanna Pizza Geeks? Me treat? 

Fine. You want to finally watch Glass Onion? It's only been two years since we said we would. 

Go for it.