5 States of Being

We'd always heard integration was a bad word when it came to systems. Like a ghost moving on once they had completed their unfinished business. And that terrified us. To lose members of our System. To be left alone ... ... ... That was what our parents wanted. To cull all alters until only Ivy ☯️ was left ... ... ... the original in their eyes. 

But then ... today happened. We were in therapy. And our therapist said it sounded like we were close to some of our alters integrating. Well, we had a mini panic attack and fretted. Well, our therapist noticed this and asked why we were so nervous. Asked us what we thought it meant... ... ... 

And then she gave us the definition as she understood it. As a specialist working with Systems on a regular basis. And our eyes widened with wonder. 

Everything we had heard was a lie. Everything. 

Integration. True integration meant collaboration. All alters coming together as one. A cohesive equilibrium where no one single alter had more responsibilities than others. The removal of hierarchy. A true balance... ... ... The Kaleidoscope state as we called it. 

Our System has four states of being; and two of them have alters to represent these states of existence. 

The first is Kaleidoscope 🌌. Kal... ... ... when at least one or more alters in TPCP are co-fronting and in harmony. All in agreement. 

Then there is GATTACCA 🧬. Where at least one or more alters are in disagreement with one another, throwing inner balance out of whack. Thing is ... ... ... it doesn't have to be big disagreements. It could be something as small as Ursa, Anna and Puck wanting meat, when everyone else in TPCP is vegetarian. 

Thirdly, there is neutrality ♎️ - where not every alter is co-conscious. And while neutrality sounds fine, this can sometimes lead to blackouts. Periods of time we can't even begin to define, without a great deal of recollection and probing.

And finally, our ultimate forms, Ruth ⚗️, where all 104 of us are fronting in a state of positive neutrality & positive Kaleidoscope and Fordium ☢️, where all 104 of us are fronting in a state of negative neutrality & GATTACCA.

So ... ... ... yeah. We guess this is the latest goal. Working towards integration. To be in a permanent state of Ruth, or at the very least learn to manage extreme episodes of Fordium and GATTACCA. 

It will take time. Slow. Methodical. With surgical precision. But the rewards sound too good to pass up. 

Besides... whoever said therapy was easy. 

Dealing with everything ... ... ... all the pain ... ... ... all the hurt was awful. Truly, truly awful. It was debilitating. And we felt alone. Even with a strong support network. We just felt so alone. 

But now ... ... ... even when we are met with ground-breaking, earth-shattering revelations that plunge us into an existential crisis ... ... ... it ... doesn't feel as bad as it once did. We are learning that we are more resilient than we first gave ourselves credit for. Learning that we can handle our emotions... ... ... our switches better. Not perfectly. But much better than we had been able to do before we started with therapy. 

Learning that we are strong enough to heal and grow. And more importantly ... ... ... strong enough to ask for help ... ... ... and accept it in kind. This isn't a burden we have to shoulder alone. No ... ... ... and even when we falter ... ... even when we struggle and feel like we are out of our depth... ... ... we're going to be okay. 

And okay, just like integration, is not a word to be afraid of.